Friday, August 8, 2008

Journals, Memories and Regrets

I'm a person of few regrets. I make my decisions and I stick by them. Obviously there's a reason that I chose the path I did, but the one thing I wish I had done; keep a journal, a real journal. Specifically at Gov. School. Last night, after writing the previous entry, I found an old shoe box under my bed. When I opened it, I was welcomed by every last piece of physical evidence from Gov. School. And on top was the journal given to us by our wonderful teachers on the very first day of class. It was just a plain spiral bound notebook, but inside could be anything we wanted. I opened it and on the very first page it said, and I quote;

Movement
-So this is a pretty cool group. The exercise we did was fun and exciting, but relaxing. It's fun


Do you want to know what comes after that?

Absolutely nothing. I wish that something had come afterwards. Even if it was just talking about what we did in class. But it would have been great if I had written down all my feelings and everything that happened. I remember watching others write in their journals and wondering why they were writing when they could be doing. They were writing because they would remember things they were doing. Most of the little things that made the experience so wonderful have escaped my memory despite how hard I tried to keep them in. I'll never forget though, there were two instances where I knew I should have kept a journal, but it was too late.

The first time was during the last interdepartmental. The "clowns" had finished their part and for the most part had changed and went upstairs to watch the rest of the show. But myself, Max, and Mollie Book stayed downstairs just talking. We talked about school, performing, the usual. But then Max took out his journal, the one from his experience(now five years ago). He read several excerpts to us and I noticed that these memories that he had recorded and made official, I'd never have those because I hadn't taken five minutes out of my day to just write.

Then there was the last day. It was late and the final govie dance was well in progress. I was sitting in Garvey Park at a bench. People had been coming and going. At one point it had been me, Jenny, Chanelle, Tommy, and Tim joking while Tommy ate Chanelle's cottage cheese and beef jerkey. But the moment I'm talking about was just me and Max again on a bench. We were talking about the end, how it was when he had to leave this very place just four years ago, how it would be the next day, and most importantly, how to deal with all of it. That's when he took out his journal and read his latest entry to me. It was just one long stream of consciousness, but it made more sense than so many things I had heard before.

Unfortunately I can't go back and record every second like I wish I had, but at least I have what I do. In three years, when I'm back again as an ATTRA(and I know I will be back), I will have a journal, I promise myself I will. And those kids will have the same experience I had. They will love every second of every day there just like I did. And that, I will make sure to record.

Just now, when I was trying to decide what song I wanted to end this entry with I stumbled upon an article that was called 'Ten Songs That Bring Back Memories(And Why)'. So due to the nostalgia I've been experiencing over the past few days I figured that would be the way to end this entry.



1. Farewell to the Old Me - Dar Williams: My Sophomore/Junior years I went through some big changes and lost some good friends much to my dismay, but this song got me through those times. It means a lot to me.
2. Tiny Dancer - Elton John: Never will I forget the first time I saw Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous. That movie changed me and my way of thinking. It was beautiful and to this day it remains my favorite movie.
3. Beauty and the Beast - Beth Fowler: Not only was this my favorite Disney movie growing up, but it was my very first Broadway show. I'll never forget, I was in sixth grade and it was about a month after 9/11. We were in the true definition of nose bleed seats and I thought I was going to fall out of my seat and die. But when the curtain went up, everything was okay. I was somewhere else, and I was happy. I was where I was eventually going to end up.
4. Martha My Dear - The Beatles: When I was little my parents used to tell me that I was named after this song which is about Paul McCartney's sheepdog, Martha. I thought it was fascinating and the fact that the song was about a dog only made in ten times better. Sometime in middle school I found out that the real reason I have the name I do is because it means sister of Mary and my sister's name is Mary Katherine, but I stick to the first story.
5. A Whole New World - Brad Kane and Lea Salonga: Gov. School, enough said.
6. How to Return Home - written by Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk, performed by Laura Osnes: This song is how I felt when I came back after Gov. School and I am most certain it's how I'll feel when I come back from college.
7. We Get On - Kate Nash: Too many times to count.
8. Fee - Phish: My first taste of real music outside of The Beatles, Eric Clapton, and Billy Joel. I listened, mostly, to things like N'Sync, S Club 7, LFO, and The Spice Girls when I was little. But when my sister went to college and found herself listening to bands much like Phish, moe., etc. I began to listen to them too. This is the first song she ever had me listen to and I loved it. I used to go around singing "Oh Fee, babababaababa, banana tree" because I had no clue what the lyrics were.
9. A New Argentina - Patti LuPone: My first taste of Patti and I haven't gone back since.
10. Pop - N'Sync: Track one on their third and final album was also (part of) the name for their second to last tour, Pop Odessey. The only N'Sync concert I ever went to. But I know, if NKOTB made a comeback so will N'Sync and I promise you, I will be front row.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Govie Lovers, Sittin' There On The Bench

Today I had a thought. What if I... what if I had never met you? - Carrie Bradshaw


What if I had never met you? For those of you who are govies out there, most of you know that I was an alternate. What if I hadn't gotten that call the Tuesday before we were supposed to move up to Erie for those five wonderful weeks?

I've been thinking lately, how this past year I have taken these wonderful relationships and memories for granted. Why, I don't know. But somehow deep down, I know I have. And that thought kills me. Am I going to see most of you ever again? Those people who agreed that they'd never lose touch, well, did they? I know I've come up short on my end of the bargain with all but a select few people.

And for that I want to say I'm sorry. I am so so very sorry. And for those of you whose places of residence I visited, yet never called you to say I was even thinking about you I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not trying to keep up with everyone's lives. I'm sorry for not letting you all know exactly how much you really mean to me (which, for clarification, is a hell of a lot).

If I hadn't had the chance to get to know and love you all, where would I be now? Most certainly not where I am. I wouldn't be the person I am. I wouldn't have the wonderful memories that I have. But most of all, I wouldn't have you. I can't imagine what life would be like without Gov. School and I don't want to. Yes, this sounds melodramatic, but who really cares? That experience changed my life and I'll never be the same because of it. This entry can be summed up in two words really...

Thank you. Thank you for everything. Honestly, I don't know if I'm ever going to get to say this to 93% of you in person so I just wanted you to know now. Sure, most of you probably won't even ever read this, but just in case...if one random day you happen to look on this site and browse through my blogs then stumble upon this one, at least it says it here.

Remember kids, Doug Woods is God


And just for you guys, I'll throw in a couple of extra doodily-doos;
Song of the Gods - Chris Kamenstein
Hey Jude - The Beatles

But most importantly, how could we forget...

A Whole New World - Brad Kane and Lea Salonga

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Now/Later/Soon

Soon,
Later...
Now, I promise.
When is later?
As the sweet imbecilities
Soon,
All you ever hear is
Trip on my trouser leg, I won't shy away,
"Yes, we know, Henrik, Stendhal elimanates
A... Oh, Henrik,
Dear old--
Everyone agrees, Henrik, please, Henrik..."
Soon,
As I've I want to.
Often stated,
Soon,
Whatever you say.
When? But when?
Even now,
Maybe
Maybe
When you're close
Soon, soon,
Later,
And we touch, I'll be ninety
When I'm kissing your brow
And you're kissing
And dead.
My brow
And I'm stroking your head, I don't mind it
I don't mind it
Too much.
Too much.
You'll come into my bed.
And you'll have to
Since I have to
And you have to
Admit
Admit
Admit I'm endearing, I find peering
I've been hearing
I help
Through life's
All those tremulous cries,
Keep things humming,
Grey windows
Impatiently
Patiently
I'm not
Not
Not Domineering--
Very cheering.
Interfering
What's one
Do I fear death?
With those tremulous thighs.
Small shortcoming?
Let it come to me
Come to me
And think of
Now,
Soon,
How I adore you,
Think of
Now,
Soon,
How much you love me.
If I were perfect
Now,
Soon,
For you,
Wouldn't you
Now...
Soon...
Tire of me
Later?
Come to me soon,
Come to me soon,
We will,
If I'm dead
Straight to me,
Later.
I can wait.
Never mind how.
We will,
How can I live
Darling, now--
Soon...
Until later?
I still want and/or
Later...
Love you,
Soon...
Later...
Now as always,
Now... Desiree!


How is it that I've always overlooked this? Me, the self-proclaimed Sondheim freak. I love him, really I do(despite The Frogs and Pacific Overtures...and yes, I do love Bounce---shut up.) But I've never really paid much attention to A Little Night Music because I never really took to Send in the Clowns so I assumed the rest was like that. I do like the song, but not enough to invest my interest in the rest of the show, but man was I wrong. This show is so beautiful. One day I will play Anne, I swear. And the main reason I want to is because of the song above/the song below(yes, same song.) It's so beautiful. The entire show is. Just give it a listen and you will not be disappointed, I promise.

Now/Later/Soon

...I'm serious, listen to it...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Oh My God It's Sandra Bernhard

Question...

Since when does Sandra Bernhard have any status as a fashion icon? Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Project Runway and Sandra Bernhard, but together?

I think not

Project Runway is probably my favorite show that's been on in a looooooong time. But they don't ever pick good celebs for challenges. Natalie Portman? She's adorable, not a fashion icon. Victoria Beckham, Parker Posey, Debra Messing? Love them all, not fashion icons. Now Sarah Jessica Parker? There is a fashion icon. Glad to know they've made one good decision.

Usually after the first episode I have my favorites and I stick to them, as a loyal fan should

Season 1: Austin Scarlett and Jay McCarroll
Season 2: Santino Rice, Daniel Vosovic, and Andre Gonzalo
Season 3: Kayne Gillaspie, Bradley Baumkirchner(he may not know who Cher is, but I love him), and Laura Bennett
Season 4: Jack Mackenroth, Kevin Christiana, and Jillian Lewis
Season 5: ---

Notice anything different? That's right, I can't choose a favorite. Not in the least. At first I was like, "I love Kenley and Wesley" then Wesley left, but that's not what I was going for. Tonight, I grew an appreciation for Daniel. And lastly, in Wesley's final episode I realized that I also had a newfound respect/love for Blayne. First episode I hated him and I hated the tan. His skin is like leather people. Anyways, I do love most of his designs, but I cannot express how much I love him for his hatred for Stella. SHE NEEDS TO GO! He seems to be the only one who understands that. Oh, and I love Suede too but he needs to stop with the third person. Now I really need to narrow it down, my favorites are almost half the cast. No matter what my decision, I am a firm believer that no season will ever be as good as season 2.

And guess what?

TOP DESIGN IS RETURNING!



Blow You Kisses - Santino Rice
Santino Rice FTW guys! Nobody can beat Santino. Deal with it.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

What's the Point...If You're Not Having Fun?

So I've come to a realization finally.

Is anything really worth doing if you don't have a good time doing it? I think not. There are definitely some things in life I'd go back and just ignore doing because I was miserable doing them. Some were shows, some were going to dances, some were hanging out one place when I really wanted to be another. Honestly, shouldn't we all be having the "time of our lives" at this age? I'm one that's lucky enough to be going into a field that I find fun almost always, and hopefully I'll be successful there. But my point is, forget about feeling like you have to do something or be somewhere. Unless you are actually required to do it, don't. Have a good time and live life.

Oh, and if you are required to then find a way to make it fun. It goes by easier that way. Like I wrote a little bit ago. That temp job is like work hell for me. But I listen to my iPod, and go into the filing room while nobody else is there (I am doing work) but I sing and dance around. It makes things so much easier.

Really though, life is too short and you never know when you might get a curveball thrown at you so enjoy it while you can. As Bert V. Royal wrote in possibly my favorite play of all time, Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead, "Don't concern yourself with death. Immerse yourself in life. Enjoy every moment that you're allowed to but keep asking questions. My dear friend. Don't ever stop asking questions."

Have fun and remember, immerse yourself in life and don't ever stop asking questions.

The song for today is a song that the first time I heard I hated. I thought "Is she trying to be Amy Winehouse/Lily Allen/etc.?" But the more I heard it the more I loved it. It really is a good song and I happen to think that the rest of her album is awesome too so go give it a listen as well.

Mercy - Duffy

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Is Anyone Up There?

I've never considered myself a religious person, but I have always believed that there is someone up there watching over all existence....

Except on days like today. This is only the second time I've ever doubted the idea of a God. I just *and I literally mean just* found out that a friend of mine who I have known for about seven years now is in the ER at Hershey Medical Center with a broken neck...and he might be paralyzed from the neck down. It infuriates me to hear these kind of things. This friend? He is, honest to God, the nicest person I have ever encountered in my entire life. He always looks at the positive side of every situation and he gets so excited by little things: like Mondo Juice for example. He loves those things. But what gets me so angry is that these things seem to only happen to the good people. The worst people in the world seem to get the chance to live long and happy, healthy lives. The good people though? It's like this "God" is saying "Screw you, only the strong survive on my planet." If there really is a God, why does (he/she, pick your pronoun) let things like this happen? Aren't they supposed to be protecting their "children"?

I'm going to stop with the belief rant, but I have a favor to ask of everyone who reads this. Please, keep him in your thoughts. Wish upon a star for him, think about him in your 'moment of silence', pray for him, I don't care. Just please, have hope.

This one's for him...

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dunder Mifflin Paper Company

For you The Office fans, remember when the series started and BJ Novak was still Ryan the Temp, not Ryan the jerk? Well, he was always miserable as the temp and I now know why. After July 17th/18th? I am never doing temp work ever again. EVER. It is the most monotanous, boring, lifeless job you could ever think of...

That isn't an exaggeration. Plus, I have to work from 8:30-5:30 thus having no actual life. What joy!

Enjoy and please tell me how to survive these next couple weeks.