Nostalgia, Repression, and How Exactly They Go Together

I should be working on an English paper right now, but I feel like unless I write how I'm feeling I'll never get it done. But how is that? How am I feeling?

I don't know, I just don't.

I had to do this thing for acting a week or so ago and it got me thinking about the past again. Something I'd rather not do. I mean, why would anyone want to dwell on the past when they've got the present to deal with? Anyway, the assignment was to create a ten minute auto drama, a performance about you and your life. Honestly, I don't like getting into my personal matters with complete strangers which is one of the reasons I want to be an actor. Because you can let out all of your emotions, but you're doing it as someone else so nobody has to know your personal issues. Also, I didn't like this assignment because I haven't exactly had the most exciting life. I had a nice, normal childhood. I was a relatively happy kid. Middle school blew and high school blew just as much, particularly senior year, but what about that is anyone's business? Yes I had shitty friends, yes I was treated horribly by peers and teachers alike, but why do I need to tell everyone every single detail?

My life is my life for a reason. It's nobody else's business unless I choose to make it that. I know you're all probably thinking, "Then why the hell do you write an internet blog?" Well your answer is simple. Because I want to. I write my thoughts, but most definitely not my deepest darkest thoughts. And I don't write any names for a reason. To keep it private. But back on topic...

What did I even do for my auto drama?

Well, I talked a bit about my boring childhood, a little about how I had no real friends growing up once I hit the sixth grade, talked about a few of my many identity crises, then I brought up PGSA. I'm starting to think that everything comes back to that. And I truly do not know why. The saddest part is the fact that I really only talk to one person from those five wonderful weeks anymore....and it's only because we have a very similar class schedule and live across the hall from each other. But other than that? Maybe a "hey how's everything?" text or facebook message on occasion, but other than that nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never thought it would come to this, but it has unfortunately done just that.

I thought I'd be friends with these people for life. And I mean real friends, not just those people you talk to maybe three times a year and say you're friends. I guess I was wrong, I guess our bond wasn't as tight as I had assumed. Maybe if I get the chance to be an ATTRA in three years our bonds will rekindle and we'll have those lasting friendships we all expected, but until then what? We might meet up once a year? Possibly twice if we're lucky enough. That's not good enough for me, but of course I have no money or form of transportation so I can't initiate the meetings. But for those of you who are constantly traveling to see each other, or those of you who are in Pittsburgh right now, why not make the effort to visit your very own Point Park govies? I've been ignored enough in life, I don't want to have to experience it any more.

Believe - The Bravery
Between the Lines - Sara Bareilles

P.S. Congrats Tina Fey and 30 Rock on all your Emmy's!!!